can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
i understand you have values and thats awesome, all i want to help you do is forget about them breifly
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
Randomize
