apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
Hes pre-made beer lollipops so he "can suck before the sex" QUOTE!
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
The fact that it neither of us came up with the reason of "it's morally and ethically wrong" speaks volumes about this relationship
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
Randomize
