Someone shit on the floor
we are all sexual creatures
yea maybe. but you're not. you're not getting any.
i always forget guys have bellybuttons
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
Randomize
