I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
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