this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
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