I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
Randomize
