meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Randomize
