Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
I don't deserve a penis
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Randomize
