You were right. It hurts to walk today.
My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
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