literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
It was actually pretty good. His cock is as fat as the rest of him and I took out my contacts so I couldn't see him clearly.
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
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