I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
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