Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
just cuze she's 16 doesn't mean it's illegal to add her on facebook
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
Randomize
