Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
Randomize