Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
Randomize
