dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
he said he's going to burn things and pack his stuff. he may leave tomorrow supposedly but i doubt it
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