omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
Randomize
