Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
she's not even a shacker, she never made it inside. she's just a porch girl
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
he's a ginger AND was born with 2 holes in his penis. sleeping with a rare species & I LOVE THE THRILL
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
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