Ok seriously, can we bring back badminton?
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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