he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
Dude she's famous. She's on an episode of campus pd. Can't not fuck her
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
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