dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
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