My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
its 4th on my favorites list. 1. butt sex 2. mini skirts 3. three meat pizza rolls 4. fuck the pain away by peaches
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
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