I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
He's totally hot and awesome. And he's a Democrat
Good, so he won't mind when you kill the baby.
My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
I need a beard to bite.
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
Randomize
