Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
Randomize
