he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
