Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
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