I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
Randomize
