I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
