hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
Randomize
