turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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