Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
Randomize
