Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
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