im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
I will pee on everything he values.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
Randomize
