I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
Randomize
