Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
Randomize
