Well whatever you do have, it sure worked on me.
A Penis?
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
