dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Randomize
