I molested 6 butterflies tonight
Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize