Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
she is unbelievable! ever pee on a girl?
not while she was awake
Yeah, i don't remember peeing. or meeting the girl.
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Randomize