im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
Randomize
