If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
If I'm going to risk life and limb to wear a Wings jersey to the Garden next week, the least they can do is win.
And the most would be ending up in bed with one of them.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
Randomize
