i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
Randomize
