Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
