You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
I JUST SEARCHED GINGER COCK ON TUMBLR AND THEY'RE ALL REALLY WELL HUNG? I'M CRYING. IS THIS HOW GINGERS KEEP REPRODUCING?
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
Randomize
