I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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