I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Randomize
