So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
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