I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
Randomize
