if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
I would ride that face into the sunset
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
Randomize
