I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize
