I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
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