The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
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