wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
Question: Would it be wrong to just fuck both of them and decide who to date one performance of their cocks?
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
Ong my arms are moving wo my consent
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
