Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
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