1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
Randomize
