Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
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