I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
No you are right. With a nickname like Monster Cock, you shouldn't expect him to want to "just talk". I'd be insulted too
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
It sounds like heaven mixed with world peace and orgasms. The acoustics in this car are awesome. Or it's the weed idk either way it's great
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Randomize