Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
Randomize
