I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
I wish they made helmets for livers.
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
I'm like, not good at living.
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
Randomize