i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
You brought string cheese to the strip club
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
Randomize
