Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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