Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
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