is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
go for it girl, the world is ur dick oyster
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
