I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
