I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
We left the knife in your bed.
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
Randomize
