Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
what is it with giant penises always finding me
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
just walked passed a black light...apparently he DID cum.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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