ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
Wanna demo a makeout? Check box yes or no. Or maybe. Okay bye.
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
I feel great
I just peed on a car
I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
Randomize
